tired...

...of everything. work, life. i wish i could just run away or something.

unfortunately, my schedule does not allow me to take a day off until my surgery, even though i have a ridiculous amount of PTO. i really need a day off by myself to chill out and remove myself from everything that's stressing me out, but i won't be getting it.

so though it sounds odd, i'm looking forward to a much-needed break from everything when i have my surgery in mid-august. i'll be forced to step away from everything, and have an excuse to not have to think about anything or talk about things i don't want to talk about. i'll just pretend i'm sleeping. :)

can anyone confirm?

two great pieces of news i heard from coworkers today:

1) they're opening a beard papa's in cupertino, across from vallco! WOOHOO!
2) they're opening a din tai fung in cupertino, in vallco! WOOHOO!

i tried to look up both facts online to confirm them, but only saw random rumors of either. so i sure hope that they're true. anyone know?

OMG

i was driving down kifer this morning on my way to work (it's qtr end). there was a girl in her teens standing in the middle of the street, in between the lanes that go either direction. i was driving toward san tomas, and another car was driving toward lawrence. we were driving at the speed where we would pass each other at about where the girl was standing. i thought the girl was just trying to cross the street, but she was just standing around, and i didn't think much of it. right when the car headed the opposite direction of me and i are about to pass each other, the girl jumps into the path of the other car. i freaked out and slammed on my brakes, as did the other car and swerve. she was okay and was standing there, and i was totally bewildered, wondering what had just happened. i continued driving, albeit very slowly, and looked in my rearview mirror. i looked at the girl's face and realized that she did it on purpose. she was attempting suicide. the other car pulled over. i wish i had pulled over too, once i realized what was happening, even though i forgot my cell phone today. i'm still really shaken about it.

pray for her.

in seclusion

with everything that's going on, i'm sad but thankful for the conversations i've had with people in the process. they may be sad or frustrated with what's going on, but at least i've had a chance to talk about it and the reasons behind my decision. i believe God can take this situation and make something awesome out of it. and my heart is uplifted somewhat, hearing how there's already movement toward change. i'm praying. but though you may try to convince me otherwise, i'm quite firm on my decision. :)

i've been secluded at work this week because i'm "exempt" from meetings and am supposed to focus 100% on testing before we attempt go-live #2. i'm SO sick of testing, i've been testing this stinking system all by myself for weeks, if not months. i complained to my boss last week that i cannot do this by myself, and thankfully one of my coworkers returned from maternity leave this week, so he put her on testing with me. so she's in seclusion with me - thank goodness, otherwise i would go out of my mind if i were by myself. we're seriously in no-man's land, off in a conference room in a building not near anyone else. we emerge for lunch, then go back to our cave. chatting with people online helps me (especially since i've been chatting to some people about the above). i appreciate the needed distraction from constant hours of non-stop testing, so please, distract me some more! hehe :)

("exempt" is in quotation marks because i'm not really. i apparently still have to attend these meetings where i have no value-add and that run really late.)

okay, my brain and my heart have been totally over-stimulated and over-worked with everything going on at work & in my life, so now for some mindless entertainment... happy people making happy music. i especially like the bottle-blowing. gotta love it.

tough month

august is gonna be a tough month. multiple transitions and my surgery. in all ways, i'll have to rely upon God & others (um by the way, anyone free to drive me to say, some dr appts after my surgery? in the afternoon?)

i've been having a lot of trouble sleeping at nights, maybe because of everything that's going on and letting it consume me and my thoughts.

don't get me wrong and think i'm totally depressed or something. i'm quite content (for now. we'll see after my surgery!) - there's just a lot that's going to happen next month, and it weighs on my mind and heart.

but for now, i'll post one of my favorite pics of jean. so awesome. biggest zucchini i've ever seen in person. and she looks so happy, holding it like a baby.

a time for everything

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot..."

-Ecclesiastes 3:1-2

feeling sad, but hopeful & excited.

candle-lighter-itis

2300 tealight candles



10 lighters



8 cohorts



resulted in this



2300 tealight candles, 10 lighters, 8 cohorts, and one very annoying wind, resulted in this




2300 tealight candles, 10 lighters, 8 creative cohorts, and lighter fluid, resulted in this





2300 tealight candles, 10 lighters, 8 creative cohorts, lighter fluid, and one very, very annoying wind, resulted in this



2300 tealight candles, 10 lighters, 5 stubborn cohorts, lighter fluid, one very annoying wind, 16 very, tender, sore thumbs, and 3 sensible cohorts, resulted in this



congrats!!

7 cohorts (one already left) + 1 newly engaged couple.


the nicer looking pics courtesy of geo.

see the whole night's timeline here.

p.s.
who knew lighting 2300 candles (actually technically more than that since we tried to re-light the same ones over and over and... over and... over again.) could make your forearms so sore!

one more try...again

how many times have i said "one more try?" :) but i think this may really be the last try.

it's almost surreal to me, that i'm going to go through another knee surgery - surgery #5 on my right knee, surgery #6 between both my knees, and surgery #8 on me overall. like i said before, surgeries 2, 3, and 4 on my right knee were more minor - on crutches for a few days, and rehabbing, that although wasn't fun, was nothing compared to rehabbing after the first one (well, nothing can compare to rehabbing after the first one). but i've set the date, and on August 15, i will be going through a complete full circle, starting over and getting a whole new ACL put in me.

the ACL reconstruction done in college on my left knee was tough, but the one on my right knee was pure agony. one of the most miserable, discouraging, depressing, and definitely the most painful time in my life - there was a point when i was crying myself to sleep every night, crying during and after PT sessions, crying on my commute home from work, etc because i was in so much pain and so frustrated - and it continued as i proceeded to have surgery after surgery on my knee, never knowing if the latest surgery would fix all my problems. i'm totally not a crier, so you know it was bad. i was pretty much an invalid, unable to do anything by myself. i had to inconvenience everyone around me for the smallest of things, including carrying things for me, providing me food, and rides to work, church, pt, dr. appts... anywhere... for what felt like forever. i never, ever, ever for the life of me thought that a physical injury could affect me so much the way this knee has, and the thought of possibly going through all that again scares the crap out of me. i can handle it if it's like the experience on my left knee, which was painful but at least tolerable, but i don't know what i'll do if i have to go through ACL hell again like the first surgery on my right knee. it's a totally different surgeon - the same one at pamf (the best medical institution ever) who did my fourth surgery and one who i have much more confidence in, but i've been so scarred by that other surgery (literally and figuratively) and the bad experience i had with the doctor who screwed up my knee that it really has me frightened.

it's been a long 2.5 year journey that God has taken me on, with a lot of downs and discouragements about the recovery of my knee, but at the same time a lot of encouragement and prayer from everyone around me. i'm so thankful for the people God has placed in my life & their constant support and prayers, even two and a half years later.

this surgery is basically it. i'll get a more stable knee, but if it doesn't help with my pain problems, then i'm stuck with a knee that doesn't work, prevents me from doing most physical activities, and keeps me in constant pain.

so as you can tell, in general, i'm scared. scared of the possibility of re-living through a miserable time in my life, and scared of discovering that this surgery won't fix my problems after going through all the pain & rehabbing.

i've was reading through job, and again came across what seems like one of the main theme verses in my life through all of this:

"...The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."

despite my fear, despite my sufferings (that i need to realize are inconsequential compared to other people's suffering around the world), everything i have and i am is God's.

one of my favorite verses of the Bible is Philippians 1:4-7 -

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

please pray that i can have that sense of peace. that i can rejoice despite my situation. that i am okay with not understanding God's purpose in all of this.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
-Romans 8:18

soli deo gloria.

kwik-e-mart

as a promotion for the simpsons movie that's coming out, 7-11 turned only ~10 of their stores nationwide into kwik-e-marts! one happens to be in our own backyard, so a few of us wandered over to take a look. unfortunately, the store had run out of donuts (they were supposedly just like the ones homer eats - with pink frosting and sprinkles and everything. they said they sold 1500 donuts by 5pm), krusty-o's, and buzz cola. all they had were squishees.

.




byron getting a blue woohoo vanilla squishee. disgusting flavor, btw.



afterwards, we headed over to fraiche, for my second helping in one week. it's so good, i'm kind of glad it's a little further away in palo alto so that it can't get too much of my business. it's a little sweeter than pinkberry (which is pretty tart), but i like how it's completely organic, with nothing added, and made on-site.



my first time at fraiche last week was with the old canaan gals (minus joyce & reni, which basically equals the berkeley canaan gals). eva came back to visit, so we all went out - so blessed by all these girls' friendships for so long.


from l-r, alice since 7th grade, amy since 1st grade, eva since 3rd grade, jean since 2nd grade, o since 6th grade - and the two missing, joyce since 5th grade & reni since 1st grade.

jean & i also went to a pretty good mexican restaurant (although i think i still prefer the smaller hole-in-the-wall-like places in mt view - mi pueblo, los charros, la costena, la bamba, etc) on saturday morning, to energize ourselves before attempting to create a fence around her vegetable box to keep the deer from eating everything. before you are impressed with our manly skills, the furthest we got with that was visiting home depot & osh, and discovering it was way more work than what the two of us could do. so instead we took a nap and painted our toenails. :)

beach fort

after spending the morning & early afternoon of fourth of july in the direct sun at tomales bay, a couple of us insisted on staying in the shade at stinson beach. our equipment: one tarp, two foldable chairs, one old bedsheet.

our first pass, version 1.0 - kevin & cindy are holding up either side of the tent.



version 1.05 - not much difference, except now i'm holding up the side and dave sneeks in.


version 1 was just not working for us - i think we tried tying down the back side with some pieces of wood we found, but it still didn't work, so we went through a major redesign. we brainstormed, with brilliant ideas such as lying flat on the sand and just laying the tarp on top of us (uh, can we say big four-person body bag?). eventually, we came up with 2.0.

version 2.0 - we rotated the tarp so that it actually created more shade, tied down the back side, and tried to tie the top ends to tallest thing we had - the chairs.


this semi-worked except if the wind died down, the tarp literally fell on our faces.

we did a version 2.1 (which i have no pics of) which basically consisted of us trying to find a better way to get the top part to stay up.

but all in all, not bad with the materials we had. by the way, everyone else who was watching us go through this (we literally spent our whole time at the beach making this thing work) could not stop laughing at us. but hey, we did get to enjoy the fruit of our hard work. and if we didn't create our beach fort, i couldn't even imagine how much redder i'd be right now. maybe i'd have two sunburned hands. hehe :)

rest of fourth of july pics on my smugmug. too lazy to link directly, but smugmug link is on the right.

the sun (Son) loves me

i sure soaked up a lot of sun yesterday - did you know you could get sunburned on your hand? i didn't, until yesterday. and at the end of a long, but wonderful fourth of july, i could definitely see where i missed putting on the sunblock - apparently on the back of my right hand, and my front. i worried about my arms and shoulders so much i forgot to do the rest of my body! also, even though i put on facial sunblock, my face was bright red yesterday - although it is mostly fine today (maybe my nose is a little browner). my hand and chest, though... not so much. still very red.

on the way home, our car played the always-entertaining would you rather game that alinna & i are pros at. i gotta say, there are some interesting answers... actually, there were some interesting questions too. (ie - would you rather wade in a pool of horse poo or human poo?). one of the questions asked basically boiled down to would you rather save one person or possibly (not guaranteed) save many people. that turned into us asking questions like who is the one person (our child? our family member? or a random stranger?) and who are the people we're saving (criminals? innocent people?). for me it basically boiled down to i would maybe sacrifice my family member/child to save many people if i knew that i was saving many innocent lives - any other situation, if it involved a family member, i probably would not consider. later that night, i started thinking about the question again, and realized this is exactly what God did for us. He sacrificed His Son for a bunch of sinning people who don't even deserve it. to think we struggled with answering the question for so long, yet God did that exact thing for us... wow. sometimes i lose perspective on the sacrifice He made for us.