my knee recovery this time around has been more in-line with the recovery like my left knee, which is a huge praise. really, thanks everyone so much for praying for me. there's still a long road ahead, but at least i'm not in constant pain all day. i actually don't start PT until after i get off crutches, which is still a month from now.

i'm really sick of being on crutches, surprisingly moreso than after any other surgery. that combined with our house that has been an oven this past week, and my solution has been... going to valley fair, borrowing a wheelchair and wheeling around the mall. except for the times when i got stuck in between store displays and had to make a 30 point turn, and the times when i ran over olivia's foot (o wheeled me around in the mall area, but let me loose in the stores) it wasn't so bad. a/c, wheelchair... what more could i ask for?

work flat out sucks. i hate it. i'm waiting to win the lotto tonight so i can get out of here. wish me luck!

doh!

first day back in the office.

i broke my other crutch.

no duct tape OR caution tape to fix it.

stuck in my cube.

i'm so stupid

i broke my crutch!

yes, of all people, it would be ME who could figure out how to do it. it's not a huge deal, but somehow, i tore the pad at the bottom of the crutch. which may seem inconsequential except that i'm almost guaranteed to trip or get it caught on something since that is where all the balancing and weight goes. which means i'd fall over. not a good thing, especially since i have 5 more weeks of crutching left to do.

i didn't even do anything, i was going from my bathroom back to the living room, and caught it at a wrong angle on the floor, almost fell over, and then noticed that i tore the thing. sigh.

and i'm sure you're thinking, well, karen's had six knee surgeries, she's bound to have tons of crutches. yeah, except i donated four pairs to my PT clinic last year. i do have one extra set (thank goodness i asked for a new pair of crutches for this surgery. they almost didn't give it to me either). the reason, though, i even asked for a new set is because my extra set is old, and the pads have totally dried out, are itchy, and get caught on my clothes and stuff.

why do these things happen to me?? though i have to admit it's kind of amusing that i found a way to break my crutch. it takes a special talent to do something like this.

i want my life back!!

i know it's only been a week post-op, but i'm so tired & frustrated.

i'm tired of sitting on the couch all day long every day, i'm tired of waking up in the morning because of the pain in my knee, i'm tired of my knee looking like it suffered through a violent domestic abuse beating, i'm tired of being in constant pain, i'm tired of being stuck in the house, i'm tired of having all these machines strapped to me all day, i'm tired of being immobile, i'm tired of making messes i cannot clean up, i'm tired of major back aches from being in the same position all day, i'm tired of feeling like a gallon of blood rushes to my knee every time i stand up, i'm tired of knee surgeries!

i want to walk. i want to jump. i want to run. i want to drive. i want to be independent. i want to be able to help jenie clean our house. i want to not be bruised all over my body. i want to exercise. i want to get out of the house. i want freedom.

i want to be able to go to joseph & lily's wedding/berkeley and our high school reunion on saturday. instead, i'm, what else, stuck on the couch in my house, strapped to machines, by myself, while everyone else can go out and celebrate and have fun.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

and i'm mad as hell at my first doctor who screwed me over and made my life miserable for these last 2.5 years.

i feel like an ungrateful brat because everyone's been sooo good to me. i can't believe i have five more weeks of this. sigh.

random memory

i was reading through joshua tonight, and got to the part of the fall of jericho. i was totally reminded of this old childhood memory from canaan (not sure if anyone else remembers this?)

i was what... in like 3rd grade? maybe even younger, and for some reason, led by ringleaders sandy and reni, all the kids decided that they wanted to circle the sanctuary 7 times just like joshua, the israelites and jericho. so we, the crazy kids that we are, start circling around the church. but no one was allowed to talk, so we just walked, around and around. and all the parents were wondering what the heck we were doing because we refused to talk to anyone and continued on our quiet quest. finally, on the 7th round, we started screaming and yelling at the top of our lungs. i think we really believed that the walls would come crumbling down or something, but to our disappointment, nothing happened.

hahahaha. so random, but i totally remember it. i don't know why we wanted to bring down the walls of our sanctuary, either. maybe we thought... canaan... promised land... go figure.

anyway, good old times.

i'm finally leaving the house tomorrow! WOOHOO! even if it's just for a dr appt, i'm so giddy! cannot wait to see some sunshine and get out of the house, even if for only an hour or two. i think sitting on this couch for 12+ hours/day hooked up to these machines has really made me gone crazy. i forgot how incredibly mundane it can be, i have no seasons of 24 to keep me occupied, and for some reason, though people have lent me a bunch of stuff, i just don't feel like watching any of it.

and the bruising on my knee has gotten worse. the entire part of my knee that was red is now turning purple. so gross.

i'm so, so, so thankful to everyone who's come by to visit, bring a meal, or just spend some time with me. i've had visitors streaming in and out since i've been back from the hospital. i seriously would not be able to take it if i was just here by myself day after day. people interaction is good - when i'm not majorly doped up on pain meds (sorry to those who visited on friday... i was kind of - okay, totally - out of it. i totally maxed out on the pills all day friday.) and major props to jenie, who, for the fifth time, has had to put up with an invalid roommate. she's been the best. thanks, guys!! i'm eternally grateful. i like being very independent, so it's been a good lesson for me. still have... weeks of dependency to go. sigh.

bruises

as usual, after surgery, i find random bruises all over my body. i have a huge one on my hand from the IV (not sure why i got the IV in my hand this time) - i never knew that hands could bruise, but hey, i never knew that hands could sunburn either.

i was able to take off all the wraps around my knee yesterday, and boy is it ugly. i'm always shocked when i first take off the wraps after surgery, but i have some pretty nasty, deep, huge bruises this time around. my knee is not as swollen as it was after the first surgery, which is great. but lots of blood and lots of bruises. and one area of my knee is super-hot, and very red. even right after i take off that cold therapy pad thing, the rest of my knee is cold to touch, but this area is still burning hot. it's also where almost all my pain is. ugh.

i don't want to gross anyone out by posting pics of my bruises on my blog, but if you do want to see them, click here.

cal football season is starting soon! can't wait for the tennessee game, it'd better go better than last year. go bears!

keep the pain meds coming

my doctor warned me that when the stuff they injected into me at the hospital wore off, i would start to feel it. i just didn't realize how much i would. this morning... was bad. i woke up from serious pain, the whole leg was burning and throbbing and i could barely even get myself onto my crutches to get to the living room to pop in some of that extra-strength vicodin. vicodin pretty much has no effect on me, but this extra-strength stuff... is wonderful. at least the pain level is tolerable now, vs. this morning when i couldn't stop crying because it hurt too much to even lie still. i managed to get myself back into bed and the meds did enough to let me sleep a little more.

it still hurts like mad, and i'm in a serious more amount of pain now than i was yesterday, but if it's at this level that i'm at now, i can somewhat deal with it. so i gotta keep that vicodin flowing. i need to leave some by my bed b/c it woke me up into a crying fit early this morning.

got vicodin?

i've taken inventory on my medicine - before tuesday, i had four bottles of vicodin. my doctor then pre-prescribed me another bottle for this surgery, so then my total count was 5. today they called in another prescription, only this time they prescribed the extra-strength vicodin (which works sooo much better on me. normal vicodin doesn't affect me at all).

so now, i have a total of six bottles of vicodin. 5 normal + 1 super strength. uh, you think i have enough? :)

i'm back at home, after getting a surprise and discovering i had to spend the night at the hospital. seriously, no one told me, so it was a shock when i found out. but it was fine, i didn't need anything, and they provided a toothbrush & toothpaste and stuff. menlo park surgical hospital = hotel. if i had to spend a night recovering from surgery, at least it was there. queen sized bed, private room, cable tv with tons of channels, stocked mini-fridge (which i was too doped up to take advantage of) vanity/sink & private bathroom, couch with pull-out bed, and a personal chef to come by and take meal orders (btw - many many thanks to jean bean who spent the night with me!! and o who came to visit on such short notice).

all i can say is... praise God. it's only been one day, but seriously, already this experience has been SO much better than the first ACL reconstruction on this knee. i can't believe how much of a difference it is, considering it's the same surgery, just a different doctor. wow. i'm so much more mobile, i can get around on crutches decently well, and the pain - way more tolerable. my doctor told my parents after my surgery that he wish he did my first surgery to begin with, because i wouldn't have had to go through this 2.5 year hell.

anyway, so now it's couch time. confined on the couch, with two machines hooked up to me. i have a CPM machine as well as the cold therapy unit connected to me right now.

and that super-strength vicodin makes me super-drowsy. but as long as it does the trick, i ain't complaining. thank you, thank you, thank you... to everyone. i'm sure when i start rehab it will be tough and painful, but i've been doing well so far. PTL.

snip snip

tomorrow i say goodbye to something that's been a part of my life for the last year. 8 inches, to be exact.

that's right, i'm finally chopping off my hair after growing it out for ev's wedding (which was back in uh, april). i took tomorrow off because i max out of PTO on wednesday - it works out nicely, anyway. i get a day in between work and surgery to do things - my last big hurrah & a chance to run errands & clean the house before i'm confined to the couch. i'm also going to go to the city with ev, eat a very late dinner, and try to stay up as late as i can so that i sleep in as much as possible on wednesday so that i don't feel hungry & thirsty all day waiting for my surgery, which is scheduled for 2:30, but from previous experience i'm sure will start later than scheduled. (was that a really long run-on sentence?)

and when i come home on wednesday, i hope to have a bionic knee. that would be nice.

i'm super worried about my reaction to anesthesia since after both ACL reconstructions, i've had horrible hurling experiences that included throwing up at the hospital, throwing up at home, lots of dry heaving (which is the worst out of all kinds of vomitting), and throwing up when i took a sip of water to take vicodin. definitely not fun times.

i sent out an email with more details & prayer requests, let me know if you would like to be copied if you didn't get it.

thanks everyone for your ride offers, words of encouragement, and prayer.

i can't believe i'm having another surgery in less than a week. i guess it's coming at the right time since my knee is totally acting up again. similar to that intense burning pain i got a few months ago when i could barely walk. it's not as bad as last time, but it's burning and i'm semi-limping around.

i'm not ready to be immobile again, i'm not ready to go through rehab again, i'm not ready to to get poked by more needles, the list goes on and on. i'm the most scared i've ever been before any of my surgeries, my biggest fear being having to endure all this pain & suffering only to experience another unsuccessful surgery, especially since my doctor doesn't even know if re-doing my ACL will fix my problems. it's so hard to fight feelings of doubt, disappointment, discouragement, and asking God why. just the thought of my knee and this surgery sends me into tears.

and then... God always gives me a little bit of perspective. there are people - people who i even know & love - who are suffering a lot more than i am. if anything, from my own personal experience, i know how important it is to have people persistent in praying. i'm praying for them... as many of you have been for me.

24hour... sucks

so i've complained before about how much 24 hour sucks, but it's the closest & cheapest option so i've been a committed member, even when i had PT and free access to the club one my pt place is connected to.

but really... they suck. i've been relatively happy at the cupertino one because it's cheap, smaller, less used, cleaner-feeling and has the necessary equipment that i need. the one on fremont grosses me out - dirty and sweaty, we got a sleaze of a salesman, and it was ridiculously expensive.

but i accidentally left my membership card there last week. word of advice: never do that! what a pain in the ass. first, last week, i ask the front desk if they found it. the guy opens a drawer and says nope. so i ask if i can get another one. he said come back later, we can't do it now. i said okay, fine. so yesterday, i go and ask the front desk (different person this time) if i can get a new card. lady doesn't speak or understand english. she tells me to just go in. i said well, sure, but can i get a new card? she has no idea what i'm asking, finally directs me to the back. so i go to the back and ask again if i can get a new card. a guy comes and helps me. tells me it'll cost $10. $10 for a piece of plastic? money-suckers. so i say before you charge me $10, can you just make sure you didn't find it? because i'm positive i left it here. this time the guy opens up a binder and checks some log. sure enough, my name is in the log. i say great, can i get my card? he says he needs to see my license. so i go back to my car to get my license and come back in. guy is on the phone. i wait. and wait. finally he tells me he can't give it to me. uh... why not? he says it's locked in a safe and he doesn't have access to it. why is my membership card locked in a safe that no one has access to?! he says i have to come back between 6am and 6pm to pick it up. i said impossible, i need to pick it up after 6pm. he said no one can help me after 6pm, only two people in the entire club can open it and they leave by 6pm. i ask what to do, and the guy has nothing for me. says i need to be here when one of the two people are here to get it.

omg. all i want is my membership card back, how difficult can it be! well, i'm not going out of my way to get it back. they're just going to have to let me in membership card-less until they can figure out a way to get it back to me. ridiculous.

mary and i always talk about how much 24 hour sucks. like when they wouldn't let her change her club when she moved. and how they updated her address to menooipik, CA 95014. as in, all they changed was the city (grossly misspelled) and nothing else. didn't change the address or zip code. brilliant.

aiyo!

i finally got the cutest baby, topher's "aiyo!" on video. of course he was the one who pushed his cousin jocelyn onto the floor in the first place, but that's not important. soooo cute!

motion sickness = not fun

retreat was good... very good. it's been a long time since i've heard drew speak, but i'm blessed & glad he was able to fly out to our retreat. thanks, drew.

and too bad for him, i still reign as the ping-pong champion. :)

went to watch bourne ultimatum sunday night. or, i should say tried to watch. i got so incredibly nauseous watching it, i had to close my eyes half the time. i don't do well with moving/shaky cameras (like home videos or watching people play first-person video games), but it's never been this bad before. maybe it was because i was already tired from retreat, but it was unpleasant. i made everyone wait for me for a very long time, in the cold, past many of their bedtimes because i was too sick to move. uh, sorry guys. but as a warning to anyone who gets that kind of motion sickness... you may want to think about watching it in the theater.

okay...hopefully last full day of testing at work today. go-live happened this weekend, testing today, and then hopefully open for everyone to use tomorrow. FINALLY! the scheduled 5-month project that turned into 10 months. hooray!

insane

eric. is. crazy.