drama-mama

i like to stay drama-free. and there's been too much drama in my life about work and when exactly my last day of work will be.

more stuff came up at work this week that pissed me off, so i did some calculating, and i'm going to stick it to the man.

jan 21.

yeehaw!

christmas trees, project inspire, and more

got around to uploading some pics, so this will be a picture post.

some people went up to pescadero to pick kiwis and a christmas tree. i went mainly to pick a christmas tree, as this would be the first one jenie & i would have in our household. if you haven't heard my story of the christmas tree "farm," ask me. quite an adventure. anyway, we finally found one and sawed it down with the little rusty saw the guy provided to us. though i gotta say... a 9' $15 christmas tree - not bad.







so... some certain people insisted that we get LED lights to put on our tree. well, you judge for yourselves. yay or nay? can you guess me & jenie's vote?





after sawing down the tree & decorating it, some people headed to bethlehem. i was expecting just a live nativity scene, but it ended up being a whole town, complete with real camels & other animals. pretty cool.









one of the cool things about nvidia is that every year, instead of throwing a huge, elaborate holiday party, they take the money, pick a charity and raise funds/work with the charity. so this year, they partnered with rebuilding together and east palo alto charter school to completely redo the school. it was pretty neat, seeing so many people come out to spend most of their saturday helping out. a lot of the kids from the school came with their families, and most of the teachers came out as well.





at night, they had a celebration at shoreline amphitheater - basically it was like family day, but in a big tent. and this time, i didn't sign up 12 "family members." :) it was fun, but a tiring day.





so during the evening event, ted went off to the bathroom and disappeared for a long time. i was thinking to myself, man, ted sure takes his time in the bathroom. just as i thought that, i see arthur rolling over in laughter, and i turn around and see this:



so everyone decides to get in on the action... each face just kept getting better and better... santa... spiderman... so awesome. the best was that steve went to valley fair & best buy decked out as spiderman.



we went to trendy bean cafe after, and jenie came and joined us. i just happened to turn my head to look outside, and i see jenie bent over in laughter. she couldn't even make it into the cafe because she was laughing too hard.



lots more pictures here:
christmas tree
we took down one of the strands of the LED lights off our tree and brought it to the christmas potluck/white elephant. unfortunately, though karen y picked the gift, ted stole the lights and put it up in his cube, so i now i have to stare at the ugly lights even more. that plan kind of backfired on me...

bethlehem
project inspire

ARGGGH!!

so my brilliant plan isn't working out so brilliantly. i met with HR a while ago and found out it's now a company policy that i cannot use my PTO to extend my last day of work.

so i thought i had an option of still leaving jan 11, taking my PTO, and coming back to work a week in march, but apparently that is not an option to me, after talking to my boss(es - i don't know who my real boss is anymore) and HR and after them talking to HR. i don't know the reason why, but that is what i was told. so really, my two options are:

1) quit Jan 21 and cut my losses. it'd have to be jan 21 because i have lasik on jan 18, and i MUST be employed on jan 18 for my lasik. i'd lose on health insurance and espp, which totals to quite a bit of $.

2) work through end of feb. (or more like march 3). obviously this is the one my boss(es) want, and that was what was presented to me first. i'd get my espp, and they would talk to HR to work out a deal where i'd get something like 3 months of COBRA paid for after i quit. and i'd get the hawaii trip.

there's a third option which i really don't want to consider, though if i'm being practical, i should, is stay through april 1, which is when a chunk of options vest. the value of those options (already subtracting the cost of the options, but pre-tax) at present time is a little less than half of my annual salary. so an additional extra month for half my annual salary (well, plus my normal salary). this is why i picked jan 11 in the first place, so i wouldn't keep saying, "if i stay for just another month, i could get this much..."

when i first found out about the policy, i was like no WAY i'm staying through end of feb, but then i also thought i'd be able to take my 7 weeks of PTO and come back and work for a few days.

so now... i'm stuck in this dilemma. i think i'm actually leaning toward option 2, but i don't know. can i handle that? what should i do?! if i do option 2, my countdown increases from 13 working days to... 46!!! ironically, the same exact countdown to jan 11 from this day.

i need help! which should i pick!?!?!

redecorating

my cube got some redecorating this week, thanks to one crazy lady of leisure, and one carlos pedros.

i came in monday morning, only to be greeted by this:



i was utterly perplexed because none of my coworkers are stanford fans. in fact, if anything, they are cal fans. i knew it had to happen over the weekend because i was one of the last to leave on friday. took some detective skills, but i found the culprit - one carlos pedros.

later in the week, one crazy lady of leisure came by to have lunch and decided that my cube needed redecorating. actually, she found some calendars, and before i knew what this crazy lady was doing, i heard ripping sounds and watched in horror as she ripped apart my calendars! this is the thanks i get for treating her to free lunch.




i also got some new business cards, but jenie took those because she wants to frame them. yes, jenie wants to immortalize "karen k. chiu, assistant to the regional manager"

my cube now looks like a kindergarten classroom. it's even worse because my cube is in a position where anyone who leaves the bathroom can see that wall with the "go stanford" (though it's been fixed now, if you can see in the calendar picture) and my lovely wall art.

soul-searching

wow, work has sucked the two days i've been back since thanksgiving break. to make things worse, something in SAP broke and is making my night pretty miserable. so, while i wait for them to fix and reload data, i will blog.

i think i've hit quarter-life crisis a few years late. feeling a little bit like i'm wandering around in circles, or lost in the wilderness. 2007 has been a good year for different reasons, but is also leaving me in this cloud of confusion about where my life is headed. maybe i'm just waiting, in o's words, for God's lightning bolt - and who knows if He'll give me a one. i've been waiting for that thunderbolt regarding understanding the purpose of my whole knee situation, and it's taken me more than 2.5 years to finally let go of that and just be at peace with my situation and not constantly question God why. it's a good thing when i'm not crying myself to sleep every other night or in the car driving home from work or randomly in the middle of sunday schools & services, even if i still have knee issues.

but i'm still trying to figure out what i'm going to do with my life. some days i think maybe i'll re-take the GMATs (since mine expired) and apply to bschool. some days i think maybe i'll take the GREs and apply to get a masters in public administration (what i was thinking of doing for a while after i graudated from undergrad). some days i think i'll just find another job. some days i just want to say to hell with all of it and move away and start new somewhere else.

and finding a new home is not easy. i like something of one church, other things of another church, etc... but i'm still waiting to find home. what i need to figure out is where God is calling me. where's that freaking lightning bolt?! :)

too bad life's not always that easy. but if there's one thing i know, it's that God's taken me this far in life, and especially with the things that have happened this past year, and He will not abandon me now.

this soul-searching thing is probably a good thing for me.

beautiful day

i went to the san jose city team on saturday as part of a beautiful day weekend. we basically talked and prayed for the people that were either there for the free clinic, part of city team's live-in program, or living in their shelter. we struck up a conversation with one guy who was forced to live in the shelter by his parole officer (or so he tells us). he basically told me:

1) i'm a fool
2) my boss is his parole officer's brother (you'll have to ask me for the context of that)

hahahaha. i don't know why, but i thought it was hilarious that i was told by a guy on parole that i'm a fool. he also gave olivia marital advice and told ted that he needed to meditate that night before he went to bed.

anyway, it's been a long time since i've done something like this, especially regularly - probably not since college, when i volunteered at harbor house and city team in oakland. i remember looking up opportunities when i first moved home, but couldn't find anything consistent that fit with my working hours. with my "break" coming up (though not soon enough) i'm really going to try to find something to get involved in the community again. i can't believe i wrote that post almost 5 years ago, and still have not found something. one of the fears of moving back home (or south bay in general) after college was that i would become too comfortable & complacent, and i've definitely been guilty of that. time to get off my butt!

oh. and cal sucks. i had already pretty much given hope on the season, but losing to washington... unbelievable. i don't know if we'll win the big game this year!

hard to believe november is almost over - it passed so quickly. thanksgiving, then christmas, and then QUITTING! i wish it would come faster, but hopefully december will fly by. praise the Lord for a short week this week! and i'm one of those anti-black friday people. everything i absolutely dislike about shopping, rolled up into one and amplified. i hate crowds. i hate looking for parking. i hate traffic. i hate shopping. i do have handicap parking still, so the one thing i may do is go to target in the afternoon like last year, when i ventured out only to buy cough drops because i was deathly ill. it wasn't that bad since most of the crazy people are done with their shopping before i even wake up.

and i ate out for every meal this weekend, starting with friday dinner. i feel gross. blech.

bad news bears

that was the most miserable game i've ever attended. not because cal lost, which did make it worse, but because of the merciless rain. and maybe also because of that annoying asian guy standing behind us and the usc band, both of who wouldn't shut up. at least the drunk guy next to us who kept knocking me over was entertaining. i think the usc band has two songs in their entire repertoire.

i got drenched to the bone, head-to-toe - wet jeans are the worst. when i got home, i couldn't even make it to my room before i started peeling off all the wet layers. before the game, we saw these people at strada wearing ski pants - i laughed at the idea of wearing ski pants to the game, but i don't think it's such a ridiculous idea anymore. i'm bringing my ski pants with me next time, take my word for it.

cal should have won that game - it's time to bench longshore. plus, i lost a bet, and a certain closet cal fan doesn't have to wear his cal hat for a week anymore. stinking cal!!

but at least the nice guy at cheeseboard pizza let us in even though they were already closed. and we got free parking thanks to my handicap placard.

took yesterday off ... this whole knee deal... makes me so jealous of things that i want to do but am unable to do :( i want to paintball, i want to jump on the trampoline, i want to play football, i want to ski and play in the snow, auuuuughhhh! i hate that i have to watch people do things that i want to do. is there such thing as a knee transplant? does someone want to donate a knee to me?

death to the foam roller

owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

the foam roller has done good but it hurts like hell! and there's two areas on my knee/thigh/IT band where the solid masses of a knot just will not go away. you can literally hear a "kerplunk" when i roll over those knots.

i had a checkup with my orthopedic doctor. recovery is S.L.O.W. he is still very optimistic about my knee, and told me that revisions will always be much slower. he still has me limited to mono-plane activities, which basically means bike or the elliptical. 3 months out, and still no pivoting or side-to-side allowed. he doesn't even really want me to do squatting or stairs since it still bothers me so much. i've also learned that i need to re-learn how to walk, since i've been unconsciously favoring my left leg heavily the past 2.5 years.

in the past two weeks, i've also seen the dentist for the first time in five (!) years (and *almost* got away with no cavities, though my dentist did find a small one that didn't even show up on my xray) and gotten a lasik consultation. can you tell that i'm trying to clean up shop before i quit? :) i'm excited about getting custom lasik (or custom PRK - i actually may not qualify for lasik because of scarring on my cornea from my bottom eyelashes that were growing inward) for practically free. if you want lasik for free, you should do what i do! so awesome. :)

technically, my last day at work will be mar 3, since i have just enough vacation to carry me through that date, even though my last day in the office will be jan 11. i need to meet up with HR to confirm everything, but i'm pretty sure it'll work out. why take my vacation after my last day in the office instead of just getting paid out? 1) i accrue more vacation during that time, 2) i won't have to pay for COBRA during that time, 3) ESPP deposit happens feb 29, 4) gives me more time to get the lasik done, 5) extending to first work day in march supposedly gives me full benefits for the rest of the month. yes, as you can tell, i have thought through this very carefully. :)

cal-usc game today. too bad cal sucks :( i'm still rooting for my bears, but a lot of luster has been lost from this game. i'm just hoping we won't be watching in the rain. but at least i get to eat berkeley food! mmmmmmm. go bears.

argh!

i really.

really.

really.

hate my job right now.

like... really.

january can't come soon enough. :(

so i am taking a break from work temporarily before i start breaking things out of anger, and will post pics from halloween.

remember this pic?


so jean & i decided to dress up for halloween. :)


jono decided to join in on the fun. :)


as we were on our way out to grab some food, the doorbell rang. it was some dad & kid trick-o-treating, both completely covered in masks and full costumers. turns out it was two creepy adult trick-o-treaters. the "kid" was on his knees - they managed to fool us for about 20 seconds. too bad i didn't get any pics, but the two creepy adults decided to join us for dinner.

we hit up trendy bean cafe after - we ordered two frozen yogurts at first, but after discovering how big they were when the owner was making the first one, we changed our order to one. he told us one was not enough for 6 people, so we told him we were already full, and we wanted just one. he kept trying to tell us we had to order two, and we kept insisting we wanted one. at the end, he actually told us it was restaurant policy that we had to order two. um... excuse me? we got one in the end, but i'm definitely not going back there. that may even warrant a yelp review from me.

don't forget - extra hour of sleep on sunday!

ok. back to crappy work. :(

earthquake!

the ONE day... in i don't know how long, i decide to work in the office late (instead of working from home) because i have so much crap to do, and there has to be a 5.6 earthquake! that was quite a shaker, especially since i'm in a work building and not on the ground floor. i was swaying for quite some time. i usually sit through earthquakes, but this one was long and large enough to make me almost duck under my desk. being here by myself in the half-dark during that earthquake was quite scary. i was chatting with someone, and this is all i said:

me: omg
earthquake
omg
totally shaking
here
omg
omg
still shaking

hahaha. i could hear stuff falling during the quake. security's come around now, though, checking up on everything.

man. that set me back at least an hour!

mental health day & pumpkin carving contest

ok, time to post some pics since i'm stuck on this conf call at work that's been going for 3+ hours.

took a much-needed friday off a week or so ago and had some fun in the city.

went to the exploratorium (which i had never been to) & the tactile dome (smelly but fun - though my knee could only handle so much, so i had to stop after two times)

exploratorium had all kinds of exhibits - this one had a clock that would countdown and then capture your shadow. too bad i can't jump.


found a big chair.


walked around palace of fine arts (also which i've never been to)


ate a late lunch at weird fish. good stuff.

hit up mitchell's after lunch.


went to union square between lunch and dinner, though it started raining.

went to dinner at bissap baobab, a senegalian restaurant. more good food.






went to some juice/drink place after dinner, and finally made our way home, only to find this when we got back.




awesome.

on saturday, we had a pumpkin carving contest! thanks to everyone who came & participated. i was quite impressed with the skill of the pumpkin carvers. and SORRY, there was no puppy as the first place prize. and somehow, just somehow... i ended up with MORE crap than i started with. those involved with the trouble-making, just be on the lookout.

some of the carvers hard at work


i don't know why everyone thought the first place prize was a puppy


we found a longhorn necklace. hook 'em... uh. scratch that. go bears. even though they suck.


jean's pumpkin


cindy's pumpkin


front of lawrence's pumpkin


back of lawrence's pumpkin


jimmy's pumpkin


jimmy's prize - my favorite. a foldable neon green nvidia hat! how can you NOT want one?


ok. getting tired of posting pics. but there are way more awesome pics from pumpkin carving (including more pumpkins) on my smugmug.

and here are more pics from mental health day.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise,
Thou mine inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

year of transitions

wow, when i started 2007, i didn't know this is how i would be ending 2007. God has taken me on one roller-coaster of a ride!

besides leaving canaan a few months ago, for those who don't yet know, i've also given notice at work. i've given a loooong notice, as my last day is not until jan, but my boss has already announced it to my group, and word has spread fast. people from all different groups have already asked me if the rumor is true. by the time i leave, i'll have worked there for almost six years - crazy! through the almost six years, i've worked with a wide variety of people through various positions, so it'll be hard to say goodbye to everyone.

what next? i plan on taking a break. going on vacation. and then i'll figure it out from there. i thought it would be the perfect opportunity to go on that missions trip that i haven't been able to go on since i started working, but it's kind of too late for any trips that would be taking place in the beginning of next year. also looking into some volunteer opportunities while i'm taking the break. i just don't want to get lazy and sit on my butt day after day, so i need to be careful.

believe me, it took me a long time to get to this point. a lot of praying, asking God for confirmation, and lots of "encouraging" from certain people. i kept thinking of different reasons why i'd want to stay working there (free trip to hawaii, big chunk of options vesting soon, good company to work for, etc), but i finally realized that i just need to draw the line and do it, otherwise i'd never leave. why leave? yeah, ask me personally. lots of reasons.

so. so far in 2007, i've had knee surgeries #4 & #5, left a church, and given notice at work. wow... what more can happen? :)

crazy year.

i'll end with this. from google talk.



thanks mary. at least 46 < infinity.

panku & james

these videos of panku & james are so awesome. some are kind of long but worth it.

just go to youtube and search "panku & james" and you'll find tons.

:)

:)

:)

:)

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)

anyone interested in going on vacation?

freedom reigns

ain't no party like a holy ghost party, cuz a holy ghost party don't stop! friday night worship. prayer. mush pot. thanks, guys. thanks, God.

the feeling of freedom is awesome. i feel more free now than i have in a long time. God is breaking me out of this little bubble that has been my life, and at first i was scared, but now i'm excited. i don't have the whole plan in place, but i have steps that are getting me there. i can definitely say the second half of 2007 is shaping up to be a big transition time in my life. God is teaching me to break out of my comfort zones and molds... kind of crazy!

by the way, i was trying to create a secondary gmail account, just for spam and stuff. obviously anything with any combo of my name is not available, so these were gmail's suggestions:

karen.was.chiu7
chiu6108
c.k29256
blue.equal6545990

umm... karen was chiu? i didn't know i got married.
blue.equal16545990?! how do they come up with these suggestions?

and freaking, stinking cal! stupid, freshman mental mistake; throw the ball out of bounds and the game would have at least gone into OT. sigh.

to get over the cal loss, i drowned my sorrows by karaoking. karaoke with jono is never boring. :)

mental health day

i'm taking next friday off, because i am in need of a sanity check. plus i'm about to max out on PTO again. it's quarter end, and my current job has nothing to do with quarter-end anymore - yet somehow i still got lectured for requesting one friday off. but you know what, i don't care. i'm beyond the point of giving a damn at this point. and, as i said, i'm about to max out on PTO again, and i'm not willing to lose my PTO.

and cal came *this* close to being ranked #1. that was crazy! good thing ev called to tell me to turn on the tv. i was running around our living room like a madwoman looking for our remote and trying to figure out what channel the stanford-usc game was on. people thought i was crazy. we managed to catch the last 30 seconds of the game - enough to see booty throw an interception to seal the win for stanford. i never thought i'd cheer so loudly for stanford, ever. cal's overrated at #2, but this is a crazy year of college football! gotta love it.

and if you refer someone to a job, don't you think the person should owe you dinner? i agreed to owe dinner to the people who helped with getting the job, but i think it should be reciprocated by the person who got the job. but since it isn't, mcdonald's it is!

and, i need to take a poll: when you hear "one week," do you think seven consecutive days, or can "one week" be interpreted as seven random saturdays or sundays, one per year, over the next ten years?

why do i feel like i'm on the losing end of everything? i need to stop making deals. :)

guys...

never fail to amuse me.

talking about creating a gift guide for guys on what to get girls:

guy*: make up or chocolate right?
guy: how hard is that?
me: makeup?? i don't think i'd want my makeup picked out by a guy
guy: it's either red or pink
guy: 50/50
me: ahahaha
me: omg
me: yeah good thing this website is not your idea

*guy's identity protected as promised.

but seriously. makeup or chocolate? is that what guys really think girls want? wow.

knee woes

now that i've started pt back up, i'm starting to get more worried about my knee. the lumps that were bothering me before are even bigger now, and even more bothersome. my knee's definitely catching, right where one of the lumps is. that catching gets in the way of almost every exercise i have to do.

my thigh is still super, super sore, which is weird because i've never had problems in that area. sometimes my thigh just radiates with pain. my therapist won't give me any additional exercises because the ones she wants to add involve squatting, which is too painful for me to do, and i've historically had problems with squatting since my first surgery.

sigh. :(

family day

that was a close, but awesome win by cal. they are over-ranked at #3, but i'll take what we can get. lots of upsets this week.

family day was fun - apparently i have 12 members in my family. i think i shocked the registration people when i said i had 12. no thanks to ted, who didn't help me register anyone. i probably have a permanent X next to my name after that, but i don't really care.

the best part of family day, though, was this...

i could not stop laughing for 5 minutes straight when i saw it. i especially love the pink lips and the jewel on the forehead. even better was that jean totally shafted her and ended up with roses on her arm instead of paint on her face.

and THAT... THAT is what made it worth registering 12 "family" members to family day.

rest of my pics

temptation

makes it so much harder to stick to your guns. sigh. i know what i should do, but it's sooo much harder when more and more things tempt me to do otherwise. i feel like the messages i've been hearing at abundant on top of time i've spent in prayer and various converstaions are clearly telling me what i need to do. and then God decides to test me. ack! it should be good news, and i'm sure people think i'm crazy that i'm complaining about it, but in all honesty, i'm really agonizing over this. maybe i need to let the news digest some and then i won't let it affect me and try to sway me otherwise.

oh, and my PT demoted me back to one crutch. boo. :(

my computer arrived, but windows vista totally confuses the heck out of me. it will take me a while to get used to this. it's nice to finally own a computer again.

good news is that it's the weekend again. cal's got a big game against oregon, but i won't even be able to watch it live since our company's family day is at the same time and i already told people i'd take them to our family day. and hey, if my company moved family day from a friday to a saturday, then EVERYBODY's my family. :)

go bears!

I'M OFF CRUTCHES!

officially! :) though my doctor could kind of tell i haven't been wearing my brace or using my crutches all the time.

he said range of motion wise, i'm much further ahead than everyone at six weeks out (like i have my hyper-extension back) though i still have a lot of pain doing different things, and i still have locking of the knee cap which he said is caused by scar tissue that hopefully will eventually go away. i never want to hear "scar tissue" again for the rest of my life. and... as he's already told me many times before, my first doctor totally messed up my fat pad which is unfixable. so i'll be stuck with pain in certain areas for the rest of my life. :( my doctor had a guy on a sports medicine fellowship with him today, so he was telling the guy about my history and stuff and showing him the incisions on my knee & pics of the inside of my knee and telling him all these things that he should NEVER do. good to know my knee is used to show doctors what not to do.

so, i'm off crutches, limping around, and start PT tomorrow. part 2 of rehab begins.

monday again :(

why do weekends pass so fast?

didn't really have planned events this weekend, which was great after a totally exhausting week at work.

watched cal win another game (despite freaking versus, who froze the screen for a good 30 minutes. we missed two touchdowns, and for the second touchdown, they didn't even have the audio. they just showed commercials for more than 10 minutes straight! argh!!)

learned a new game on saturday and witnessed jean take a hit for the team. :)

another awesome message at abundant life.

and sadly, now, back at work. sigh. :(

but... good news of the day - 1) we got a piano that's now in our house! woohoo! but we need to get it tuned. 2) my bathroom is finally getting redone. no more nasty shower and peeling paint. double woohoo!

and apparently, i'm famous. i referred someone to my current doctor to get his acl done. his surgery is scheduled for wed, so he's been getting lots of calls from the hospital and medical equipment suppliers, etc. so he gave them my name because i'm lending him some of my stuff and they were worried that he didn't have the right equipment. they all recognized my name and then were okay knowing that he had the right stuff. i'm not sure if that's such a good thing...

long week

we had our sales conference this week, and i am wiped out. this year was the first year since i've been working here that the full, entire sales team (plus people from various other groups like marketing) attended the conference, so it was crazy. 400+ people. plus we had three breakout sessions, of which two of them i had to give presentations, as well as crazy 7am meetings (yeah, ask me personally) before the conference, and then we had dinners at night, so, literally, i'm exhausted.

but i came out of it with more free video games (though not as many as last year, sorry), tshirts and hats, so let me know if you want any of it.

next year's sales conference, which will be in march (the conf is usually in march but they pushed it back six months this year), will be in maui. wow.

but the big news of the day...

I FINALLY BOUGHT A COMPUTER! took me two freaking years - i took longer than jenie! i've been using my work laptop as my computer, but given the fact that a week ago, it was giving me the blue screen of death and i couldn't even boot it up (thankfully it works now), it scared me into finally getting my own computer so i don't lose all my personal stuff.

he went to what school?

i'm ashamed to say... cal...

Eric: oiooo
argh
how to spell
me: what's oiooo
Eric: coach
caoch
me: what?
Eric: the thing u sit on
me: what are you talking about?
couch?!
Eric: ooooooo
yeah!

later in the conversation...

Eric: true
but tha'll be more a house coach
me: COUCH!

great weekend

saturday was just what i needed.

much needed alone time with God for the whole morning. working through stuff. listening. worshiping. praying.

saturday afternoon with o & jono, with a detour with o to ride the wheelchair at the mall. i don't like the mall, but any chance to ride a wheelchair, i'm game.

talking about randomness while laying on the futon for an hour, and then corporate worship & prayer.

plus cal won. :)

service at abundant life. awesome message, total confirmation to what i was praying about saturday morning. lunch with jen & jerry, who have moved back from texas.

learning to surrender. at a transition in my life, with possible changes to come.

So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

-Matthew 6:31-33

will do a protected post soon with some of what's going on, only because it involves work.

btw, it's good to know if something happened to me, people would notice when i don't show up on IM on a work day. we had a field operations sync up meeting at the marriott all day, where our company decided to save some money by not giving us wireless access, which we did not know until we got there. yes, by saving money that means making all of us stay late to do work at the office afterwards. anyway, when i finally got online, i found several emails from people asking me if i was still alive (or something to that effect) as well as several IMs. IM'ing at work CAN do some good! haha.

please don't ask

it's pretty amazing, a common question that i've been getting from various people is, "is this your last surgery?" i know they're just trying to make conversation with me... but what kind of question is that? every surgery was supposed to be my last surgery. you think i want more? i don't even know how to answer it: "no, in fact, i'm going to have another five knee surgeries."

i also hate the "how's your knee?" when people ask me in passing. how do i answer in the two seconds i'm given? i'd rather people not ask me when they're not really looking for an answer. i'm probably just being overly sensitive... don't get me wrong, i appreciate it when people ask and really care for an answer. it's those who just ask it in passing and aren't really looking for an answer that bother me. i've put up with three years of it. just say hi to me next time instead.

i'm already starting to have uneasy feelings about my knee, like how my kneecap is definitely locking like before and various other things. and i'm really, really itching to get off these damn crutches and start walking. honestly, more than a month post-surgery, i thought my knee would be a lot further along than it is, but maybe it's because i've been confined to these metal sticks and haven't started pt yet.

*

i'm ready to find the holy spirit party. this is tougher than i imagined, and i have a long road ahead still. praying for revelation from God. learning how to listen for God speaking to me. lesson learned from tonight. :)

lots of talk about church(es) recently. maybe i need to move out of the bay area for a while... :)

hooray for my car

my car saved me last night from what probably would have been a very painful and likely injury-inducing fall. yay for my tl!

so i put my crutches in the backseat like i always do. because i'm then crutch-less, i usually hop on my left foot to get to the front seat so i can get in. except last night i totally lost my balance as i was trying to hop. it felt like everything was happening in slow motion - i started falling backward and could just see myself re-injuring my knee (and i wasn't wearing my brace because i got sick of wearing the thing around) as i started falling. so i frantically reached out and grabbed whatever i could, which happened to be my front door handle, and since i was falling backward, the door actually opened because the force of me falling backwards pulled the handle out. i still was tumbling, but because the door swung open, i managed to get enough of my arms & body around the opened door to save myself. jean just watched in disbelief because she was already sitting in the passenger seat and was unable to help me as i tipped over. olivia and amy were too far away to help besides hearing me (& jean) scream and ask if i was okay. haha. but, thankfully for my car, i am okay, and my knee is okay.

maybe i should start wearing that brace again, i've had a couple of close calls recently.

by the way, i've realized that i need to put a better picture of myself on facebook. i get the most RANDOM friend requests... from people all over the world. i'm getting real familiar with that "ignore" button. i guess my name is more common than i thought. plus, apparently half of alinna's old students from hillsdale think her first name is karen.

jealousy

i should have gotten my surgery in the winter... weather has been beautiful, but the most i can do is sit outdoors and watch other people romp around. sigh. makes me really jealous. two and half more weeks on crutches, and then i start physical therapy. it'll be winter time by the time i can romp.

it's still too hard to say if this surgery did the trick. what's really worrying me is that when i try to extend me knee (i can extend my knee so that it's flat, but i'm still lacking my hyper-extension), i can already feel like there's clicking/locking again in the knee cap. i am still scared out of my mind that this surgery didn't fix all my problems, and if not, i don't know what i'm going to do. my doctor will tell me he can't do anything more for me, and then i'll be stuck living in pain for the rest of my life.

keeping faith that God has a purpose and plan for all of this is really hard at times. add on top of that my search and lack of consistent fellowship in my life for now, and the rest of the year will be tough. but God is good. i just have to get through this.

for the time being, random pics from things i've been doing.

had tons of visitors while i was stuck on my couch - even got a congratulations cake! our fridge was overflowing with food, thanks to everyone who came by to visit. even got the good stuff like cheeseboard pizza, house of falafel, shin ba la, korea fusion, popeyes, home made stew... the list goes on. seriously all i did after my surgery was spend time with friends, eat, watch the office, and use the torture machine (which is finally GONE!)


ended up going to joseph & lily's wedding after all (unfortunately, didn't get a pic with them because i was quite immobile at the time)


went to a bonfire & prayed - somehow managed to make it on the beach on crutches


went to irving & wendy's wedding. o's dad managed to mention me in his toast. what the heck. i don't think he even mentioned me in his speech at o's wedding.


jono got the children's meal. or more like... he asked for the children's meal, after he ate his own.


found a funny keyboard (check out the keys)


saw a bike get stuck in a tree


joseph & lily's wedding
bonfire
irving & wendy's wedding

testing...

awesome. dwight schrute reads my blog! hahaha. but apparently he's rooting for the wrong team. minus one for dwight.

testing blogger's videos with another clip of topher. he was watching jenny put on hand lotion, and decided he needed some for himself. topher's too cute.

hallelujah!

i went DRIVING! and it felt good. definitely not as dangerous as the last time i started driving (a month after the surgery with two feet).

i'm FREE!

next... 3.5 more weeks until i'm off these crutches and start PT.

though i watched it out of order, finally caught up on all 3 seasons of the office. so freaking hilarious.

and... the cal game was such a relief. so excited for this year - defense has a lot to improve on, but the offense is fast. jackson's punt return - awesome... and best will be a beast. he is super-fast and will be amazing to watch for the next three years. i don't think there was any drop-off from losing lynch. go bears!

my knee recovery this time around has been more in-line with the recovery like my left knee, which is a huge praise. really, thanks everyone so much for praying for me. there's still a long road ahead, but at least i'm not in constant pain all day. i actually don't start PT until after i get off crutches, which is still a month from now.

i'm really sick of being on crutches, surprisingly moreso than after any other surgery. that combined with our house that has been an oven this past week, and my solution has been... going to valley fair, borrowing a wheelchair and wheeling around the mall. except for the times when i got stuck in between store displays and had to make a 30 point turn, and the times when i ran over olivia's foot (o wheeled me around in the mall area, but let me loose in the stores) it wasn't so bad. a/c, wheelchair... what more could i ask for?

work flat out sucks. i hate it. i'm waiting to win the lotto tonight so i can get out of here. wish me luck!

doh!

first day back in the office.

i broke my other crutch.

no duct tape OR caution tape to fix it.

stuck in my cube.

i'm so stupid

i broke my crutch!

yes, of all people, it would be ME who could figure out how to do it. it's not a huge deal, but somehow, i tore the pad at the bottom of the crutch. which may seem inconsequential except that i'm almost guaranteed to trip or get it caught on something since that is where all the balancing and weight goes. which means i'd fall over. not a good thing, especially since i have 5 more weeks of crutching left to do.

i didn't even do anything, i was going from my bathroom back to the living room, and caught it at a wrong angle on the floor, almost fell over, and then noticed that i tore the thing. sigh.

and i'm sure you're thinking, well, karen's had six knee surgeries, she's bound to have tons of crutches. yeah, except i donated four pairs to my PT clinic last year. i do have one extra set (thank goodness i asked for a new pair of crutches for this surgery. they almost didn't give it to me either). the reason, though, i even asked for a new set is because my extra set is old, and the pads have totally dried out, are itchy, and get caught on my clothes and stuff.

why do these things happen to me?? though i have to admit it's kind of amusing that i found a way to break my crutch. it takes a special talent to do something like this.

i want my life back!!

i know it's only been a week post-op, but i'm so tired & frustrated.

i'm tired of sitting on the couch all day long every day, i'm tired of waking up in the morning because of the pain in my knee, i'm tired of my knee looking like it suffered through a violent domestic abuse beating, i'm tired of being in constant pain, i'm tired of being stuck in the house, i'm tired of having all these machines strapped to me all day, i'm tired of being immobile, i'm tired of making messes i cannot clean up, i'm tired of major back aches from being in the same position all day, i'm tired of feeling like a gallon of blood rushes to my knee every time i stand up, i'm tired of knee surgeries!

i want to walk. i want to jump. i want to run. i want to drive. i want to be independent. i want to be able to help jenie clean our house. i want to not be bruised all over my body. i want to exercise. i want to get out of the house. i want freedom.

i want to be able to go to joseph & lily's wedding/berkeley and our high school reunion on saturday. instead, i'm, what else, stuck on the couch in my house, strapped to machines, by myself, while everyone else can go out and celebrate and have fun.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!

and i'm mad as hell at my first doctor who screwed me over and made my life miserable for these last 2.5 years.

i feel like an ungrateful brat because everyone's been sooo good to me. i can't believe i have five more weeks of this. sigh.

random memory

i was reading through joshua tonight, and got to the part of the fall of jericho. i was totally reminded of this old childhood memory from canaan (not sure if anyone else remembers this?)

i was what... in like 3rd grade? maybe even younger, and for some reason, led by ringleaders sandy and reni, all the kids decided that they wanted to circle the sanctuary 7 times just like joshua, the israelites and jericho. so we, the crazy kids that we are, start circling around the church. but no one was allowed to talk, so we just walked, around and around. and all the parents were wondering what the heck we were doing because we refused to talk to anyone and continued on our quiet quest. finally, on the 7th round, we started screaming and yelling at the top of our lungs. i think we really believed that the walls would come crumbling down or something, but to our disappointment, nothing happened.

hahahaha. so random, but i totally remember it. i don't know why we wanted to bring down the walls of our sanctuary, either. maybe we thought... canaan... promised land... go figure.

anyway, good old times.

i'm finally leaving the house tomorrow! WOOHOO! even if it's just for a dr appt, i'm so giddy! cannot wait to see some sunshine and get out of the house, even if for only an hour or two. i think sitting on this couch for 12+ hours/day hooked up to these machines has really made me gone crazy. i forgot how incredibly mundane it can be, i have no seasons of 24 to keep me occupied, and for some reason, though people have lent me a bunch of stuff, i just don't feel like watching any of it.

and the bruising on my knee has gotten worse. the entire part of my knee that was red is now turning purple. so gross.

i'm so, so, so thankful to everyone who's come by to visit, bring a meal, or just spend some time with me. i've had visitors streaming in and out since i've been back from the hospital. i seriously would not be able to take it if i was just here by myself day after day. people interaction is good - when i'm not majorly doped up on pain meds (sorry to those who visited on friday... i was kind of - okay, totally - out of it. i totally maxed out on the pills all day friday.) and major props to jenie, who, for the fifth time, has had to put up with an invalid roommate. she's been the best. thanks, guys!! i'm eternally grateful. i like being very independent, so it's been a good lesson for me. still have... weeks of dependency to go. sigh.

bruises

as usual, after surgery, i find random bruises all over my body. i have a huge one on my hand from the IV (not sure why i got the IV in my hand this time) - i never knew that hands could bruise, but hey, i never knew that hands could sunburn either.

i was able to take off all the wraps around my knee yesterday, and boy is it ugly. i'm always shocked when i first take off the wraps after surgery, but i have some pretty nasty, deep, huge bruises this time around. my knee is not as swollen as it was after the first surgery, which is great. but lots of blood and lots of bruises. and one area of my knee is super-hot, and very red. even right after i take off that cold therapy pad thing, the rest of my knee is cold to touch, but this area is still burning hot. it's also where almost all my pain is. ugh.

i don't want to gross anyone out by posting pics of my bruises on my blog, but if you do want to see them, click here.

cal football season is starting soon! can't wait for the tennessee game, it'd better go better than last year. go bears!

keep the pain meds coming

my doctor warned me that when the stuff they injected into me at the hospital wore off, i would start to feel it. i just didn't realize how much i would. this morning... was bad. i woke up from serious pain, the whole leg was burning and throbbing and i could barely even get myself onto my crutches to get to the living room to pop in some of that extra-strength vicodin. vicodin pretty much has no effect on me, but this extra-strength stuff... is wonderful. at least the pain level is tolerable now, vs. this morning when i couldn't stop crying because it hurt too much to even lie still. i managed to get myself back into bed and the meds did enough to let me sleep a little more.

it still hurts like mad, and i'm in a serious more amount of pain now than i was yesterday, but if it's at this level that i'm at now, i can somewhat deal with it. so i gotta keep that vicodin flowing. i need to leave some by my bed b/c it woke me up into a crying fit early this morning.

got vicodin?

i've taken inventory on my medicine - before tuesday, i had four bottles of vicodin. my doctor then pre-prescribed me another bottle for this surgery, so then my total count was 5. today they called in another prescription, only this time they prescribed the extra-strength vicodin (which works sooo much better on me. normal vicodin doesn't affect me at all).

so now, i have a total of six bottles of vicodin. 5 normal + 1 super strength. uh, you think i have enough? :)

i'm back at home, after getting a surprise and discovering i had to spend the night at the hospital. seriously, no one told me, so it was a shock when i found out. but it was fine, i didn't need anything, and they provided a toothbrush & toothpaste and stuff. menlo park surgical hospital = hotel. if i had to spend a night recovering from surgery, at least it was there. queen sized bed, private room, cable tv with tons of channels, stocked mini-fridge (which i was too doped up to take advantage of) vanity/sink & private bathroom, couch with pull-out bed, and a personal chef to come by and take meal orders (btw - many many thanks to jean bean who spent the night with me!! and o who came to visit on such short notice).

all i can say is... praise God. it's only been one day, but seriously, already this experience has been SO much better than the first ACL reconstruction on this knee. i can't believe how much of a difference it is, considering it's the same surgery, just a different doctor. wow. i'm so much more mobile, i can get around on crutches decently well, and the pain - way more tolerable. my doctor told my parents after my surgery that he wish he did my first surgery to begin with, because i wouldn't have had to go through this 2.5 year hell.

anyway, so now it's couch time. confined on the couch, with two machines hooked up to me. i have a CPM machine as well as the cold therapy unit connected to me right now.

and that super-strength vicodin makes me super-drowsy. but as long as it does the trick, i ain't complaining. thank you, thank you, thank you... to everyone. i'm sure when i start rehab it will be tough and painful, but i've been doing well so far. PTL.

snip snip

tomorrow i say goodbye to something that's been a part of my life for the last year. 8 inches, to be exact.

that's right, i'm finally chopping off my hair after growing it out for ev's wedding (which was back in uh, april). i took tomorrow off because i max out of PTO on wednesday - it works out nicely, anyway. i get a day in between work and surgery to do things - my last big hurrah & a chance to run errands & clean the house before i'm confined to the couch. i'm also going to go to the city with ev, eat a very late dinner, and try to stay up as late as i can so that i sleep in as much as possible on wednesday so that i don't feel hungry & thirsty all day waiting for my surgery, which is scheduled for 2:30, but from previous experience i'm sure will start later than scheduled. (was that a really long run-on sentence?)

and when i come home on wednesday, i hope to have a bionic knee. that would be nice.

i'm super worried about my reaction to anesthesia since after both ACL reconstructions, i've had horrible hurling experiences that included throwing up at the hospital, throwing up at home, lots of dry heaving (which is the worst out of all kinds of vomitting), and throwing up when i took a sip of water to take vicodin. definitely not fun times.

i sent out an email with more details & prayer requests, let me know if you would like to be copied if you didn't get it.

thanks everyone for your ride offers, words of encouragement, and prayer.

i can't believe i'm having another surgery in less than a week. i guess it's coming at the right time since my knee is totally acting up again. similar to that intense burning pain i got a few months ago when i could barely walk. it's not as bad as last time, but it's burning and i'm semi-limping around.

i'm not ready to be immobile again, i'm not ready to go through rehab again, i'm not ready to to get poked by more needles, the list goes on and on. i'm the most scared i've ever been before any of my surgeries, my biggest fear being having to endure all this pain & suffering only to experience another unsuccessful surgery, especially since my doctor doesn't even know if re-doing my ACL will fix my problems. it's so hard to fight feelings of doubt, disappointment, discouragement, and asking God why. just the thought of my knee and this surgery sends me into tears.

and then... God always gives me a little bit of perspective. there are people - people who i even know & love - who are suffering a lot more than i am. if anything, from my own personal experience, i know how important it is to have people persistent in praying. i'm praying for them... as many of you have been for me.

24hour... sucks

so i've complained before about how much 24 hour sucks, but it's the closest & cheapest option so i've been a committed member, even when i had PT and free access to the club one my pt place is connected to.

but really... they suck. i've been relatively happy at the cupertino one because it's cheap, smaller, less used, cleaner-feeling and has the necessary equipment that i need. the one on fremont grosses me out - dirty and sweaty, we got a sleaze of a salesman, and it was ridiculously expensive.

but i accidentally left my membership card there last week. word of advice: never do that! what a pain in the ass. first, last week, i ask the front desk if they found it. the guy opens a drawer and says nope. so i ask if i can get another one. he said come back later, we can't do it now. i said okay, fine. so yesterday, i go and ask the front desk (different person this time) if i can get a new card. lady doesn't speak or understand english. she tells me to just go in. i said well, sure, but can i get a new card? she has no idea what i'm asking, finally directs me to the back. so i go to the back and ask again if i can get a new card. a guy comes and helps me. tells me it'll cost $10. $10 for a piece of plastic? money-suckers. so i say before you charge me $10, can you just make sure you didn't find it? because i'm positive i left it here. this time the guy opens up a binder and checks some log. sure enough, my name is in the log. i say great, can i get my card? he says he needs to see my license. so i go back to my car to get my license and come back in. guy is on the phone. i wait. and wait. finally he tells me he can't give it to me. uh... why not? he says it's locked in a safe and he doesn't have access to it. why is my membership card locked in a safe that no one has access to?! he says i have to come back between 6am and 6pm to pick it up. i said impossible, i need to pick it up after 6pm. he said no one can help me after 6pm, only two people in the entire club can open it and they leave by 6pm. i ask what to do, and the guy has nothing for me. says i need to be here when one of the two people are here to get it.

omg. all i want is my membership card back, how difficult can it be! well, i'm not going out of my way to get it back. they're just going to have to let me in membership card-less until they can figure out a way to get it back to me. ridiculous.

mary and i always talk about how much 24 hour sucks. like when they wouldn't let her change her club when she moved. and how they updated her address to menooipik, CA 95014. as in, all they changed was the city (grossly misspelled) and nothing else. didn't change the address or zip code. brilliant.

aiyo!

i finally got the cutest baby, topher's "aiyo!" on video. of course he was the one who pushed his cousin jocelyn onto the floor in the first place, but that's not important. soooo cute!