frustrated

i have never been so frustrated in my life as i have been over the past year and a half over my knee. i feel like i have hit an impasse, where going to the doctor does no good, and i'm stuck in a vicious downward cycle of surgeries, maxing out on PT, living in pain for the rest of the year, waiting for my PT sessions to renew, and then starting the cycle all over in the new year... and it sure seems like it's going to happen again this year.

i went to the doctor again this morning, and he still doesn't know what to do. every time i go there, he makes a new comment, this time being "ahh... here's my problem child." again, for the hundredth time, was seen by someone i've never seen before first. it was a pretty pointless visit, he said they were going to appeal to my health insurance company for more PT coverage. i was like ummm... didn't you guys say you were going to do that last time? he said, oh i think he (medical assistant) went on vacation, so i'm not sure if it got done.

okay, thanks. and that was the entire visit. they're going to write an appeal and send it to my health insurance. which, really, was supposed to happen last time.

my doctor still can't figure out what's wrong - he said my acl looks fine in the MRI. the thing is... i've never complained about problems with my ACL or lack of stability in the knee. my problem is the pain under and all around my knee cap. he's still thinking about doing another procedure in my knee since my knee cap seems to be much tighter in my right knee, but isn't sure whether or not to do it since my body seems to love to grow scar tissue and going back in isn't going to help with that problem.

i've almost resigned myself to cope with the fact that i just may live in pain for the rest of my life. to tell myself to deal with my inability to do anything physical besides the bike and precor at the gym (in pain) and my knee exercises (in pain).

sigh. when i start to think about it too much, i try to remind myself that my problems are nothing compared to other people's around the world. there is a lot more suffering going on than just my little problem with pain in my knee. that, and God will not give me more than what i can handle... and that He has a reason for everything. it's just so much easier to say in my head than to really understand in my heart, especially when i can't clearly understand or see His purpose. and i know that God doesn't always reveal everything to us, but dangit, it'd be so much easier if He did! :)

so, i'm pretty much stuck. the doctors want to try to help me, but don't know what to do and can't figure out what's wrong with me. i don't have insurance coverage for PT so they can't even do some exercises/tests to see if certain things help (which would indicate that a particular surgery would help). if i have another surgery, i'll have to wait until next year, when, again, i will be limited to 20 sessions of PT. i don't know what to do anymore... :(

p.s. yay for benji! i'm not sure i would consider dancing for celine dion a prize, but yay anyway! although, i have to admit, travis is definitely the best dancer.