i hate my knee

i'm starting to get a little hopeless about my knee now.

as has been the case with all doctors & all appointments, my knee tests better than how it sounds when i describe my problems. it *looks* like i have full range of motion, but really - when i try to extend my knee, it hurts. and i can't kneel or do quad stretches - it feels like my knee is going to tear open from the inside out. not to mention everything else that i still can't do. but when doctors poke, prod, bend, and test my knee, it seems to look ok to them.

anyway, my doctor really can't figure out what's wrong with me. he mentioned that i had some cartilage damage that may be causing my kneecap to pop, but beyond that, to just continue to try to strengthen it, and that this is the knee that i'd have to live with, and to live with it until at least next january because doing anything more now would be more harmful than helpful. but he basically said he thinks this is the knee that i'm going to get for the rest of my life. at which point i started basically involuntarily crying because i can't imagine living with this knee until even january of next year.

so long story short, he doesn't even know any other orthopedic doctors in the bay area to refer me to (i didn't ask him for another opinion, but he was perplexed enough to bring it up himself), especially orthopedic doctors who are specialists in arthrofibrosis, who would know more than him to possibly figure out what's going on in my knee. the most he could tell from all the testing and bending of my knee was that it seemed a little unstable, but i'm not even complaining about stability issues, since the pain is more persistent than the buckling and instability in the knee.

he kept looking at my knee, at his notes, at the pictures of inside of my knee from the last surgery, and pausing and thinking because he really didn't know what to do besides tell me to bike a lot and that he sympathizes for me. (probably because i was crying. ha.) finally, he changed his mind and decided to just have me get another MRI and see if anything comes back from it.

well, i'm thankful that he at least listened to my problems, even if he doesn't understand just how painful it is or how to fix it. the part that really got me was him telling me that this is the knee i'm going to have for the rest of my life. this is NOT the knee i want to have for the rest of my life. i can tolerate up to a certain point, but i'm definitely way beyond that point right now.

this will be MRI #5.

i hate my knee. and i'm trying really hard not to resent my first doctor who screwed me up this badly. God, help me.